This "Mom" thing sure is hard....
It's been a week friends. A really really emotionally draining week. I won't go into too many details, but I will say that my poor Mommy heart is hurting, crying, breaking and worrying. Two of my three kiddos are dealing with health issues (nothing life threatening...but issues none the less) and one is struggling in multiple ways.
Ugh...this "Mom" thing sure is rough! When I brought these three little humans home...wrapped in cute blankets and sweet little hats....it was easy. It seemed scary as all hell...but in the grand scheme of things it really was the easy part. Sleepless nights caring for a newborn is nothing compared to sleepless nights worrying about a teenager out driving when the roads get bad, or an adult child that has problems you can't solve with a fresh diaper and a few minutes in a rocking chair cuddling.
You would think after 23 years of being a mother I would have this whole gig down pat! You would think that the older they get, the less problems, worry and issues. It's the cruel trickery that they call parenthood. There's no "right" answers. There's no two parent's out there that do it the same...and there surely isn't a "right" or "best" way to raise kids. Most days I was just really glad we all survived and lived to tell about it quite frankly.
As a parent of older kids (in our house we call them the "big kids"...) it's super easy to have parents of younger kids say "You know you did a good job when they can be on their own"....or ..."You know that the end goal is to watch them leave"....well...I call BULLSH*T on that one! I'd love to see if those same Moms have the same words of wisdom when they are dropping their son off at college for the first time, or watching their daughter pack all of her belongings into boxes to move out! Logically yes...we all know kids grow up and leave. It doesn't hurt any less. It doesn't get any easier watching it happen. It just doesn't. And for those that say it was no big deal....I'm pretty sure they are lying (to probably avoid a mental breakdown) or bionic and have no feelings. (just my opinion! LOL)
It is my job to protect them, fix things, find things, solve problems and be there for these three. It's also really hard to know when to back off and let them make mistakes so they can learn. It's even harder to watch a situation with them occur that you have no control, power or ability to control or fix happen with them. At what point do you figure all this out? When does the magical moment happen that it all dawns on you..."WOW, okay.....now it all makes sense" ..I need that type of epiphany!
It's been the greatest joy in my life being a Mom...guess that's why I take all this growing up and leaving me crap so hard. Some days it's not so bad honestly. Not worrying about running three bodies to three different places..when they all three are due at their perspective places at the same time etc. Then it hits me like ton of bricks.....I can't get those days back. Singing in the car with them to a blasting radio, great conversations (because they were stuck there in the car with me and couldn't walk away) and really good overall memories during those frustrating days. Such a double edged sword isn't it? I want to give them everything that I can. Pay for extravagant weddings and vacations. Buy them cars when they turn 16 (and after seeing my FB recently...I think I am the ONLY parent unable to do this!). Give them all the right advice at the perfect moments. Be there every second that they need me. This isn't real life..at least in our house. And that also breaks my heart.
For those of you going through this same stage of life right now....let's start a support group. I know I've said that before...I really do mean it!
Writing it all out really does help me...so I thank you for reading my ramblings and finishing this until the end. Someone told me recently that I should write a book. I always seem to have a lot to say...LOL. Not sure my life is book worthy, but I do hope to blog more frequently. After writing this I have come to my own mini epiphany though:
There is a silver lining.....That's the marvelous mystery of parenting. So much time, money, hope and love poured into one tiny creature—but I can't think of a better use for those resources....and I get to call those humans mine.
Much love to the Mommy's reading this! I envy those with littles still and feel for those with big kids. You are not alone....we all suck at this job sometimes. Okay....I am really done now.
Deep breath
Just wiped the tears
Getting to work...for real this time..LOL.
Hugs and love,
Joyce
