Missing the Laughter the Most....

Since yesterday was Mommy's Day I thought today's blog should be about my journey into and through motherhood. If your my friend you know that my journey is about to have another major shift and big changes are coming! I am trying my best to hold it all together but slowly falling apart inside.

If you would of told me when I was 17 the things that I would smell, touch, encounter and feel as a mom I would of told you that you were crazy. But, I probably still would of done it. I wanted a baby more than anything by my late teens. I often daydreamed of what I would name him or her (although secretly I always knew I'd have a girl first.). I thought of what cute outfits and hair styles I would style them in. It was a lot of fluffy daydreams. What I wasn't prepared for was actually getting pregnant so young and the profound effect that laying that little baby girl (I was right..I had a girl first!) in my arms would have! Not only was I exhausted and tired (46 hours of labor will do that to you), but I swear I felt the heavens and earth shift when I looked at her for the first time. Every worry about being a good mom and how to mother magically faded and I just knew it would all be okay. It would all work out somehow. We would figure it out together. And that we did.....

I had a great mom growing up. She never put anything above or before us. (there were three of us kids). She never wanted to watch television instead of playing a game with us. She taught us nursery rhyme songs in french and we went on adventure walks all the time to keep boredom from setting in. There was NEVER a school program or chorus concert that she didn't attend. She was June Cleaver in a 5 ft. package. She never wore dresses or heals to do housework, but that same mentality was there. Dinner on the table every night. A spotlessly clean house and ample time to spend with us kids. I had a really great role model. I was determined to be like her.

I had also said after every child that I gave birth to that they were the last. Until a few years later when I craved and NEEDED yet another. After 3...I was officially done. My heart was full....and I had some weird cosmic sense that no other babies out there in fate land would be choosing me. I had what and all that I needed so I was going to make the best out of it. Savor all the little moments and laugh as much as possible. I am so grateful that I had my kids young. I know many people wait until later in life, and for them I'm sure that is what works. For me, I wanted to have the energy and spunk for them when they needed it. I don't know if at this phase in my life..almost 40...I could keep up with a baby. I can barely keep up with life in general!

Being a mom is full of temper tantrums, slimy boogers, premenstrual girls and reading in between the lines. When your only wish is to be able to go 5 minutes without hearing someone scream "MOM", to wishing they never stop calling you "Mommy".

I can remember the first time we took my youngest out sled riding. She was scared to death and would only go down the hill with me. I knew she would love it if she just tried it...so I made the executive decision to fake her out and jump off the sled at the last minute. She ended up coming back up the hill, smacked me for tricking her and then proceeded to tell me how much she loved it and I wasn't allowed to ride with her ever again. I think most of motherhood is like that. Being right there. Sitting or being with them through sicknesses, broken hearts and those horrible middle school girl years (need I say more on that? I don't think so..pretty self explanatory). Then knowing when to let go just enough that they can go on their own. That first time they go into a public bathroom alone..but you wait outside the door anyways. The first time you allow them into the shower alone and you still stand outside the door and every noise you hear you ask "are you okay???". The first time they stand at the bus stop alone, but you hide around the corner watching from afar....but not too far. The first time they drive alone. And you need a call or text the minute they pull into the parking space at their destination.

The hard part is letting go. How does a mother do that? I have one kid that is graduated and moved on her own, and I am still trying to figure that out. How do I go from being so involved to just being there when needed? I don't think I like that idea. I miss being party mom at school and the girl scout leader. I miss singing songs at bath time and cuddling on the couch to watch Golden Girls (my two younger ones loved watching it with me..don't judge..it was our "thing"!). I miss putting pig tails in and putting the baseball back on the tee oh, about 455 times in one session. I miss including Molly the Dolly in our everyday life and pretending she was really eating dinner with us. I miss just having them all here all the time and hearing that laughter. God, I miss that laughter. Once they outgrow the fighting stage...it's all about being silly and fun. At least in our house it was. I miss that the most I think.

I guess motherhood in general is consistently a season of change. Getting used to being a mom in the first place, all the "firsts" you encounter those first few years, toddler hood, going to school, driving, independence, and learning how to let go...a little at a time. It doesn't get you at all prepared for the real deal though when they say they are moving out or going away to college. I guess with every other aspect of being a mom, I will suck it up and keep it all inside so the kids don't realize how hard it is really for me. I should actually earn the academy award for some of my performances. Trying not to laugh when they are two and call their dad "an a--hole" in front of their grandma. (that was a doozie!). Or pretending that you aren't having a complete breakdown when you see your child get knocked unconscious at his sporting event as a kid. I held it all inside then, guess I can do it now too. One of the many perks about being a mom I guess. Watching them be amazing and knowing you had a small role in that.

As always,

Have a week full of happiness. Hug your kids extra this week for me!

xoxoxo